Valerie Loveland

Photo by Su Red

World's Dumbest Criminals

Only dumb if you get caught, if you don't get a lot of money,
if you slip.

The convenience store camera: essential for presenting crimes on tv.
A slidewhistle and a clown horn perform a robbery soundtrack.

Criminals leak from the ceiling, trickle in through cracks
in the windows, under the door. After store hours,
they don't need to rush. The camera has plenty of tape.

Robbers who fell asleep.
Robbers who painted their faces with permanent marker. Permanently.
The robber who attempted to break into a house full of karate instructors.

The video grain suits their crimes: audience clearly sees stolen
items, but some mystery remains--what color are the burglar's eyes?
Would I fall for that figergun in his coat?

Getaway car low on gas,
a dropped cell phone, forgotten wallet.

Old episodes run and run
just like the men without shirts, chased by cops.